I remain quite thoroughly among the thoughts that I last wrote about. (I'm thinking this once-a-month blogging thing may be sustainable.)
Have been reading a book by Paul Tillich about faith. It's still tough for me, because I definitely feel very resistant to religion in many ways, because it has caused so much harm for so many people over history as well as in our world. And because it has caused so much harm for me (see below).
But at the same time, I do think I've been overreacting against some parts of it, and I want to stop doing that. So I've spent a lot of time (to the detriment of law school commitments, perhaps) continuing to consider the things I admire in people, the things that I think really matter in life. Love, forgiveness, curiosity, compassion, courage, creativity, humility. I don't know if I'll ever be able to associate myself with any specific religion, because there's too much baggage to them. But I think my belief in these ideals does in some way resemble a belief in God. Not sure exactly how, but that's what it seems like.
The topic I'm thinking about now, though, is something slightly different: What to do when you fall (far) short of these ideals?
I was raised on the idea of "love the sinner, hate the sin." Seems like a logical plan for improvement, criticism. But I'm wondering how much is it really possible, especially with oneself. That is, how much is it really possible both to commit yourself to change things about yourself, while not simply descending into self-loathing?
I happen to think that for me, my all-pervasive self-criticism frequently hinders my actual self-improvement. It makes me profoundly unhappy. And in the end it actually feeds the sorts of insecurities and anxieties and fears and so on that drive me to act selfishly. So it's self-defeating.
I once was very close to someone who thought that a way to help me was to expose me to all the things that were bad about me, to really make me face them head-on. I believe this person was well-meaning, and certainly was an insightful individual in general. And I think that under some circumstances there could be some good that would come of this sort of approach. But unfortunately, for me it had just the opposite of the desired effect. I was already carrying around so much self-criticism and insecurity that anything that added to that became too much. I became overwhelmed. I felt very alone, and I felt like everything was falling out from under my feet. It was a panicky, perspectiveless time, and I disappointed myself and this person deeply.
Perhaps the point is, then, that whether with yourself or others, there has to be something else that comes with serious criticism--love, acceptance, a feeling that while things need to change, there is hope. And that is a tough thing. There's just an inherent tension between love, acceptance, and...change! (I remember this play I saw one time, called "I love you, you're perfect, now change.") Actual self-improvement does take a lot of honesty and straightforwardness, more than we can usually muster. Notwithstanding all my self-criticism and so on, I'm still surprisingly complacent. I need brutal honesty. But that alone, it seems, isn't enough: that alone leads to despair.
So you see, there's a tension.
So perhaps the point is, that I'm actually feeling somewhat pessimistic about the possibility of change. Maybe it can only happen very slowly, and with an incredible amount of acceptance and love to accompany it. And that's a tall order.
